Simple words. Nearly impossible task. In the 48-ish years I have bumped around this planet, I am not sure I have really been the best student. (This is where my mind inserts a chronic running commentary about my epic fails. More on those later).
Where things seemed to fall apart for me was in grossly underestimating the different ways you need to understand people, places and things. Just because I understood something in an academic way, it didn’t allow me to understand it in a heart-centred way, or a physical / practical way.
For example, in my mind, I would go to great lengths learning, understanding and building concepts for all kinds of things – businesses I could build, communities I could help create, people I could help…I could see it all, scaffolded and organized, with variables and inputs, but then I would skip the most critical step – the good old sniff test: Just because I can, does it mean I should?
Why did I skip it? Is it some broken receptor in my brain – I have ADHD – so maybe, or is it a lack of instruction during my formative years? Was I one of those codependent types? Or is it my own personality getting in my own way? I vote all of the above.
Being able to ask yourself “Just because I can, does it mean I should?” comes from a subconscious, deeply-nuanced understanding of risk. You are a person who asks yourself, How could this hurt me? Am I properly evaluating the character of the people I wish to get involved with? What are my blindspots? Where should I seek further advice? Will this make my life better, or more difficult? Can I let go of this idea and wait for a better one to come along? And so on.
If you make decisions like that, I want to know you. Let’s be LinkedIn friends. If you are one of those coaching gurus who shows people all about the magic of boundaries – let’s follow each other! I have questions. How did you become that person? Did your parents show you? Or did you develop that way because they didn’t? Or are you just a genius-baby with all the wisdom? Maybe you took a class. I’d love to know.
I was not that person. I certainly am now, but it came at a cost. My own rubric was always “I care a lot about this person.” and “What’s happening to them isn’t fair and I can find a way to fix it!” And my other favourite “Where there’s a will, there’s a way!” Ok, great, but now Jen’s exhausted and spinning her wheels and carrying everyone else’s problems as a full-time job, and her own work has been sidelined. I think that checks the codependent box?
But I think one of my biggest miscalculations was that I assumed most people were operating with a good agenda. I assumed everyone saw the world the way I did – with loyalty, kindness, and care at the core of our beings and therefore agendas. Oops. See? Not a good student.
I have since learned that it’s true – we are all made of good things – we arrive on planet earth with a good heart and mind and soul – BUT – what we do along the way to nurture those things diverges with every experience. So while it was good of me to assume the best in people’s nature, it was tremendously foolish to assume that would spill into their agendas.
I learned these things the hard way, through experiences so harrowing, that when I get a following of readers, none of you are ever going to believe they are true – but don’t worry, they are as entertaining as they are terrifying! It’s so good – it’s got all the makings of a musical – I digress.
But I am here to say, despite all of that, it has not dimmed my light. It has not shaken my faith. It has not ruined the joy+gratitude+humility that I carry into each day I get to spend here on earth. In fact, it’s made me bolder in faith, wiser in action, and more humble in expectation. I have an embarrassment of riches – a closeknit, loving family, deeply supportive and loyal friends, generally good health, the will to help solve some of the bigger, scarier problems facing our world, an artistic outlet, food, clothing and shelter, and on and on and on…
However, if you’re a person who wants to dramatically change the way they make decisions, and are seeking a new, calmer way of navigating your reality – stick around! I have some opinions to share in the coming articles.
Until then, Let nothing disturb you, Let nothing frighten you, All things are passing away: God (source/physics) never changes. Patience obtains all things. Whoever has God (source/physics) lacks nothing; God (source/physics) alone suffices.
Love, Jen
Winter sunrise in the farmer’s field out back. It only lasts a few moments!