Forgiveness is arguably one of the most distorted concepts we have. I submit it is a misnomer. If you want to do it properly, then you aren’t giving anything! Why would you? These people are jerks!
If you’re anything like me (or maybe “was”- I hope) then you could be hanging onto your resentment like it’s the last roll of toiletpaper in March of 2020. Well, some people do terrible things, so I’m sure your perpetrators earned your grudge. So if you’re there, “seeking justice for yourself!”, growling and chewing on that bone, saying weird things like “they will RUE THE DAY!”, then you’re probably fixing to fight me while you read this. That’s cool. But at least let me show you why you need to wear the full three-piece suit of this concept, so you aren’t walking around pantless in a vest with a jacket around your head (metaphorically speaking 🙂 ).
Step ONE – The pants of the argument: let’s fix the word. It shouldn’t be called “forgive.” It should be called “forego.” As in, “I am going to forego the opportunity to fill my blood and mind with poisonous rage about what an arse you have been to me.” Again – this is no tall order. Some people do unspeakable things. But you know that your heart, mind, soul and cortisol levels are connected, and the path to personal freedom is to honour the purity of how you were made: in love, light and peace. Yes, you do know that. So why would you let some turd ruin that through toxic rumination? They’re living rent free in your head, and you’re up at 3 am compulsively eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch, vowing to bathe in the blood of your enemies. If you do that, they are winning.
But if you aren’t into love and light, then think of this: to forego is a flex move. It is tremendously powerful. (Think Taylor Swift’s “I Forgot That You Existed.”) The angry part of you can say “whatever man, you are not even on my radar. I am not matching energy, I am protecting my peace, and honey you ain’t worth it.” This satisfies your angry part, as you relish the victory in knowing they can’t destroy what they can’t touch. Think about it a little more, and you will realize that your disengagement makes them pathetic, irrelevant and small. Slay.
Step TWO – Put the vest on. Forbear. This means, don’t back down. Do not escalate the matter, but do not take their degradation. If you were wronged, then you were wronged, and you must hold that as true. Just because you have forgone the toxicity doesn’t mean you don’t get to defend yourself, seek restitution, or set legal or emotional boundaries. You still get to end relationships, set the record straight, etc. If you are a good person, then you deserve these things. If you’re a jerk, just stop reading I guess.
But what about “turn the other cheek”? Oh, I’m so glad you asked. I thank Father Joseph Yoo for explaining the misunderstanding we have of “turn the other cheek.” (It’s on his 3-video series about the “F-Word” on Instagram here.) When we turn the other cheek, we do not let people slap us around. In Roman/Judean culture, a backhanded strike to the face was a sign of dominance and humiliation. So if you turned the other cheek, you were forcing your aggressor to strike you as an equal, not a subordinate. Which means, everything I just said in the last paragraph. Reclaim your dignity, defend your honour, pursue restitution. But just calm down about it. Don’t be all angry pants.
Critical Sidebar: For people who have endured serious trauma, it is absolutely the worst thing in the world to talk to about forgiveness and turning the other cheek with the culture’s current definition. It retraumatizes them. They have no agency, they are gaslit, and they are sicker and worse off. So, just be mindful of who you’re talking to about this stuff.
Step THREE – Put your jacket on and Forlet. What? It means to abandon your claim and walk away. Ok, fine, you can use the word “forgive” here, but again, we aren’t giving anybody anything. What we are doing is, IF, and ONLY IF, your transgressor comes to you and says, “I did this to you. It was wrong. I accept responsibility. As a result, I am in sickly torment, and I cannot live with myself” (ok maybe not that exact script, but close to it), “can you forgive me?” then we are saying, “Yes. I abandon this claim.” You must. Yes! you must. I know, I know. The Cinnamon Toast Crunch is calling. But hear me out.
In this life, if we are going to heal what is between us, then we need to rest in love, light and peace. When a person is asking for forgiveness, they are asking to be released from their torment, so they too can enter the love, light and peace. And if all we want as a species is to spread the – wait for it – love, light and peace, then you cannot deny them their access. You just can’t. Pro tip: the people who have harmed you are very likely never going to get this far in their spiritual development, so you needn’t worry about whether you could do this. But just know in your heart that if they genuinely sought remorse and asked forgiveness, you could and you would say to them: “Yes. I forgive you. Because I have forgone, forborne and now forlet my claim against you.”
Listen, I’m like 48 or whatever – this took me a long time. Don’t sweat it. I’ve given you a decade’s worth of homework. But you know, little by little. You can practice. You’ll find it.
Until next time, Let nothing disturb you, Let nothing frighten you, All things pass away: God (source, physics) never changes. Patience obtains all things. They who have God (source, physics) find they lack nothing; God (source, physics) alone suffices.
Love, Jen
I found the chap in the middle at https://renopenrose.getarchive.net, and i asked Chatgpt to give him some friends.