Mary Tyler Moore (left) in Ordinary People. Image via Paramount Pictures.
Every Family Day we watch a film, and true to our collective sense of humour, we pick one that shows a family in disarray. Stanly Kubrick’s The Shining kicked off this tradition. Yesterday’s pick was Ordinary People – still one of the highest watermarks in film acting, to our opinionated minds.
It’s no surprise this film grossed $90 million at the box office in 1980. Everyone left the theatre feeling seen. No doubt there were phone calls “They’ve made a movie about (insert friend/relative here) and you gotta go see it!”
Sometimes it’s hard to let people go with love, light and radical peace, because we are still trying to make sense of their behaviour. The big questions: WHY? Why did they do what they did? HOW? How could anyone do such a thing? And so on.
If you want to skip the obsessing-over-your-transgressor part and get on with the business of being happy (for it is a business indeed), then keep reading. I’ll give you the shortcut:
SHAME.
Is she a narcissist? Sure. Is she in the cluster B personality disorder whatever schmever? I guess. But it’s much more nuanced than that. We don’t need the textbook – we need the motivation.
These people are terrified of feeling shame. They are allergic to it. It hurts them physically. It distorts their reality. When confronted, or asked to take even the slightest amount of responsibility, they go into attack mode to such an extreme that they will will scream at you, blame you for their behaviour, belittle you, talk over you.
But the scariest part of all? The only part that matters here?
They rewrite reality.
They do! They completely rewrite narratives in their own minds to protect themselves from shame. And they convince themselves so well, they can go on to convince others. And then it gets easier to villify, condemn, belittle and ostracize their target, just to keep themselves looking perfect, completely in control, and above reproach.
Is it psychopathy? I don’t know. But it does the same kind of damage.
Next time you watch the film, notice how Beth describes her son Conrad to others. He was in a boating accident where his brother died, and he became so depressed he made a serious attempt to end his own life. Yet Beth portrays him as selfish, manipulative, and acting out to gain attention, and as a result, he wrecks her holidays and embarrasses her in front of her friends.
He sounds like a completely different human than the one we are following onscreen.
So, if you think this person is in your life, my advice to you is:
RUN AWAY.
Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. RUN AWAY. When you stop running, say a prayer, or send them positive vibes, and wrap them in light and love. But do not turn back.
Your path to grace does not appear in allowing yourself to be the victim of such a person. You are not doing patient, godly work by tolerating someone like this. Extensive pity and care for such a creature is co-dependency, so you’ll need a therapist if that’s what you’re doing.
If you don’t protect yourself, you are in grave danger of allowing this person to rip through your life like an Oklahoma tornado.
Red Flags
Here are some red flags to help you identify this person in your life before they cause so much collateral damage you can’t think straight:
- Big talkers. They never shut up. They believe they are charming and funny – and sometimes they are.
- Poor listeners. They never ask questions or reflect on what you say.
- Control freaks.
- Domineering and opinionated with their narratives: Their description of everything is judgmental and belittling.
- They talk about other people instead of ideas.
- They believe they have never made a mistake, they have never been wrong, and they will never be wrong. They believe they do everything perfectly, and it is our job to rise to their standard.
- They take a lot from you, and give very little in return, and when they do, they grandstand as though it were a favour handed down from the mountaintop.
- They have a default expectation that you will go out of your way for them, and if you don’t, you are a monster.
- When they come to a party at your house, they never ask anyone about themselves, or try to get to know them.
- They cuss out their loved ones for small transgressions, like using the wrong Tupperware or putting things away incorrectly.
- They minimize other people’s pain and punish anyone who shows emotion.
- They use love as a bargaining chip, easily withdrawn when they are afraid of being held accountable.
- Most of their relationships are transactional, and when there’s no further transacting to be done, they reason their way out with some logic about their own “happiness.”
- Kids don’t like them.
I think these people are truly broken by trauma. It’s sad. I think they were neglected and abused, and have terrible memories of the past. There is always hope that they can heal, find true happiness, and put down their armour. But that is not your job. Leave that to the psychologists.
Until next time, Let nothing disturb you, Let nothing frighten you, All things pass away: God (source, physics) never changes. Patience obtains all things. They who have God (source, physics) find they lack nothing; God (source, physics) alone suffices.
Love, Jen