Above, my two favourite humans in grade 5 posing for their character pictures.
Bridgerton fans, unite: I am about to use some analogies regarding the various families in the novels by Julia Quinn (now a beloved Netflix series), and I need your support.
The best thing I have ever done is become a mother. My goal has always been simple (lol) “When I go to my grave, I hope to look back on my parenting with pride and reassurance that I gave it my all.” Yes, a tad overstated. And no doubt I will be forever grateful to the man who made it possible, my husband, a deeply good human being and father.
This is not a weird pro-heteronormative blog. This is a be-a-good-person blog. If you are a parent and you’ve struggled through divorce, you are counted among us in this discussion – as long as you are not a neglectful arsehole – your children have two family fortresses, not one. If you are a guardian, same thing. However you define your family fortress, please stay and read.
When you look at the photo above, you can see my kids in grade 5 doing the character exercise. These happy, smiling photos tell me a lot. They believe what they say about themselves. My daughter is Caring, Respectful, Brave, Original, and Kind. My son is Funny, Trustworthy, Caring, Loyal, Honest, Kind and Gracious.
Our family is our fortress; where we are seen for the best of who we are. We are celebrated, supported and fiercely protected. It is a safe here. There is no threat, there is no fear. Those feelings corrupt the psychological development of children and the emotional integrity of adults. In this family, you are loved, and you are great. You know right from wrong. We make sure of it. You are safe to speak honestly. My kids are 19 and 21 now (yikes!) and if you ask them, they will confirm this is true.
The character traits they chose for their photos carry a gravity the world overlooks at times. It means everything to be honest, kind, trustworthy, caring, gracious, respectful, brave, and original, and so on. Think about those words – especially in today’s world! These are the high watermarks of human character. (well done to the teacher who developed this educational unit.)
As a writer, I read a lot. I also watch a lot of tv. Probably too much, but I love stories. And I can tell when a family drama has been written with the fortress mentality: A safe and loving family allows you to fully grow emotionally, intellectually and socially, so when you go out into the world, you know how to navigate. You carry equal parts optimism and skepticism, you are confident and handle life better than those struggling to find their fortress.
Consider the Bridgertons, a family built by love. They are respectful, caring, supportive, and genuinely interested in one another. Society dictates they must wander through a world of Featheringtons, Cowpers and Sheffields – families who are not this way. In fact they are fortresses built with greed, self-obsession and vindictive behaviour. Their behaviour matches – they are people who will say and do anything to advance socially, they are kinder to the pets than the children, they are cruel to one another, and they hold affection as limited currency.
During the series, the pattern is the same: Nomatter what nastiness the Bridgertons encounter at the hands of less-than-stellar characters, they carry one another through. Love wins. And life is beautiful.
Though I am the parent in charge of building and guarding the fort, there is respite and healing in it for me too, as I am treated the same. How did I know how to do this? Did I grow up this way? Not entirely. It’s ok, this should give you hope.
In finding the absolute love and purpose of parenthood, I was able to redefine notions of childhood and family dynamics, to become the person I sought as a child, and to delight in the peace and calm of normal family life.
It wasn’t a perfect science. I protected my family but counted myself out as worthy of the same. So at times, I have struggled with poor, codependent choices in friends, acquaintances and the like. I have had my share of Featheringtons and especially Cowpers. Yuck. But these experiences gave me invaluable insight. How to choose better. How to protect myself and my family. And, apart from giving me wonderful writing fodder, I’ve learned a greater truth and meaning: love and radical self-acceptance, things we desperately need to function well, come from the fortress we build with the people we love.
My advice to anyone who feels lacking in their fortress: make your own. Build your own beautiful safe space. Fill it with people who are morally and emotionally good. Immediately chuck out the Featheringtons and the Cowpers and the Sheffields, and you will thrive in your community of acceptance and joy. Your loving, family fortress will weather any storm. Because, love wins.
Until next time, Let nothing disturb you, Let nothing frighten you, All things pass away; God (Source, Physics) never changes. Patience obtains all things. They who have God (Source, Physics) find they lack nothing; God (Source, Physics) alone suffices.
Love, Jen